Share your story here….
I mean I’m trying to, but I can’t help but allow those words to keep me from doing just that. Where do I even start? My problem is I start typing and then I erase. Type, erase. It goes on for a few minutes until I snap out of it. But from here on out I will be typing freely. Everything you read will be the truth. I am the Unfiltered Mama, after all.
My parents were divorced when I was just a young girl (sorry Mom and Dad, I couldn’t ignore this topic). It wasn’t a normal divorce, it got ugly. As I started understanding more I put more blame on myself. I basically dug myself in a hole and refused to let any light in. This is when the anxieties started. But wait, there’s more! Being anxious all the time pushed me into a huge depression and this lasted years. I couldn’t help but feel horrible for and about myself. I felt like my world was crashing around me, like I was yelling but no one could hear me. Were my parents splitting up because of something I did or said? Would they eventually get back together? Would I still be a normal kid? To answer all of those questions…. no. I wasn’t normal, I was unique. But unique wasn’t how you fit in within the school. You had to be somewhat “normal” to even get the slightest attention. Without that, you couldn’t walk in big crowds down the hallway or sit with someone at the lunch table. Heck, you’d be the only person in the middle of a dodgeball game trying to defend yourself. Everyone else would stand there and watch your life shatter into itty bitty pieces that couldn’t nearly be recovered. You would think after a hard day at school going home would be a life savor.. but it only got worse.
I was the unique kid at home, too. I tried so hard to keep a smile on my face but on the inside I was delicate. “To be handled with care.” That would be my warning sign if I had to wear one. After being asked thousands of times what was wrong with me, I shut down. I muted all conversation and just stayed silent. “I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m good.” I don’t know how many other ways I could’ve said it but NO ONE got the hint. What I realize now is not being left alone was a good thing. My family saved my life, really. The divorce? I got over it. But then so many other things came at me full speed.
Which one would I attack first?