From Smiles to Tears

Being a cutter meant doing it in all the right places. I had to be able to roll my sleeves up without second guessing myself. When I did cave in, I usually listened to my own advice. But the stress continually became harder to deal with. Between school, family, and problems with friends I headed toward the darkest road. No street lights, no way to see where I would end up. Two people, however, knew exactly where they wanted me. There was no giving up this time. 

It was a normal day at school for me. I blended in with my usual crowd and paid no mind to the bullies. My teacher received a phone call in the middle of her lesson. You know how every student secretly wished their name would be called? I dreaded that. I was too embarrassed to walk in between desks while everyone stared. The silence was like a chill through my body impossible to shake. And then I heard it. “Courtney, you’re wanted at the office.” Damnit. I walked down unsure of what was going to happen. Except what I didn’t realize was approaching the office would draw a huge smile across my face. My dad, he stood there waiting for me. “I’m taking you out for lunch.” Instead of questioning him I went straight to my locker and grabbed my things. My Aunt was in the car, as well. What I thought would be a nice outing with my family quickly turned into one of my worst nightmares. 

Kimball Medical Center. What the hell? I don’t think there’s food here.. nothing I would eat, anyway. I couldn’t get myself to say anything. I was scared, for sure. All I could to was sink into my shell and hope no one would come after me. But as we walked in we were surrounded by nurses. One of them escorted me into a room and immediately questioned me. “Are you cutting yourself?” She must’ve been crazy because there was no way I was opening up to a stranger. I shook my head no and she responded with anger and force. She grabbed my sleeves and pulled them up. The ONE time I ignored my own rules and I get dragged to this place. The cuts spoke for themselves and every fear my dad had was just confirmed. 

I didn’t know whether to be upset or pissed off. As I walked to another room my eyes wandered. We passed a guy trapped within four walls, no way out. He had something sticking out from his head, blood everywhere. I don’t need to be here. This was a mistake. I was put into a room with a bed that was accompanied by chains. The TV was hanging from the wall with a big piece of plastic around it. I could barely hear what was playing at the time. My attention was grasped by what I thought I heard was my mom. There she was, arguing with my dad. Clearly she was upset for not knowing why I was here. Everything quickly became a blur.

“We might have to keep her over night.”

Please. Don’t make me stay here. I knew I wasn’t going to cut (that night) but I needed to feel those three points again. One. Two. Three. Let me just release the pressure I felt within my chest. If I didn’t breathe now, who knows when the next time would be. 

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2 thoughts on “From Smiles to Tears”

  1. Can totally relate my first time I got hospitalized I was 16 I brought but upon myself though. I was found my police officers on route 1 wandering around the highway when I was going to be questioned I ran as quickly as I could because I didn’t want to be home. I always ran away from home when ever I did something bad after that hospitalization I was diagnosed with depression

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