Walking up to my front door in a complete sweat… I knew this conversation wouldn’t go as planned. I must’ve done something to lead him on without even realizing. I opened my front door just enough to grab the dog leash. He waited outside browsing through his phone. My dog, Kiara, knew something wasn’t right. She was immediately defensive. Her hairs spiked up and she stood close to me. But for some reason, I felt safer with her next to me so I ignored her signs. The door locked behind me and we were on our way.
Every time I went for a walk, I took the same path. Behind my house laid stones within the ground, ones I counted each time my foot passed one. The breeze flipped my hair into knots and goosebumps scattered across my body. We entered a hallway of apartment doors that lead us to the steps we needed to take. One. Two. Three. There I went again, counting as the view ahead of us changed. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion and all I wanted was for time to pass. As we reached the top, he stopped me from going any further. He began questioning where our friendship was headed because he wanted more. I couldn’t help but stare in the opposite direction of him. His demeanor wasn’t sitting well with me and Kiara picked up on it. What felt like a shock within my body was him pushing me against the cold, brick wall. The only thing I could think about was not letting go of Kiara’s leash.
He pressed his hand to my neck and all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut. Four apartment doors surrounded us and yet I felt all alone. As he pressed his body into mine, Kiara became uneasy. I knew what she wanted to do because I wanted the same. His hands were on an adventure and me being unresponsive angered him even more. It’s almost over, I thought. He pulled my hair back causing my head to hit the wall one last time. That’s when I grew the strength to push him off of me. I felt defeated. Not only did I let myself down, but I let Kiara down too. I should’ve listened to her.
Without saying a word I walked back down the stairs. I prayed he wouldn’t follow me. My heart raced and tears instantly filled my eyes. I glanced behind me and he was gone. That’s when I ran.
I didn’t know what to expect at school the next day. I knew I would see him whether I tried avoiding him or not. But the fear of being under his constraints again had me spiraling into a depression. Do I tell someone? Maybe the guidance counselor? No. I decided to do what I’ve always done best. And this is when I realized how much stronger of a person I became. I didn’t want to cut. I didn’t want to feel any more pain than I already have.
But holding that piece of glass in my hand felt right. One last time.