So my secret is out. I can officially say that yes, I was raped. I didn’t expect it to happen to me and it definitely didn’t play out like it does in most crime shows. I didn’t report it and I still don’t know who my attacker was. But I don’t let that thought bother me anymore. There are times I find myself thinking about what led up to that night. Maybe there was something I could’ve done differently. I could’ve fought harder to see his face.. the list goes on. But that’s not what I’m here to write about.
Listen and learn.
I was scared that after this night I was going to become someone I didn’t want to be. I felt disgusting and worthless. I was a victim of something you cringe at when you hear about it on the news. I ignored mirrors and all other reflections of myself. He forced me into a state of mind that I had just gotten myself out of. No matter how hard I tried to stop it from happening, I fell right back into that cloud of depression. And it sucked me in with no hesitation. But this time it felt like I was meant to be there. I was invisible for the next few weeks, months, years even. I wasn’t sure how I would survive and I didn’t think twice about it, either.
I was afraid to trust and give my all to someone. Walking down the school hallways by myself was even terrifying. I had an image of this monster in my head at all times. He went everywhere with me.. locker room, shower, work. Even though I didn’t know who he was, he was now a part of my life. But I learned how to accept it, to accept him. I did something that he didn’t plan for… I won.
I was a victim that night. I immediately put myself at fault. But he changed me, for the better. I know you’re probably thinking, how is that even possible? It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. He took my body and my pride. But I refused to let him take me as a person, as a whole. I learned to care for myself again, physically and emotionally. I surrounded myself with a better crowd that would help keep my mind above ground. I did not become what happened to me, I overcame it. It was just another obstacle in my way. I can now speak about it without feeling that weight drag me down. Shoulders are back, head is held high. The only person I let down is HIM and that’s because I didn’t let him take my sanity away. I finally stopped myself from slipping into something I would never get myself out of.
Yes, I was a victim that night. KEYWORD: WAS.
I am and always will be.. a survivor. If you have gone through something similar and haven’t reached this point yet, just know that you will. It takes time, it takes effort. You may not feel like you have, but surviving was the first thing you accomplished. Just like I did.