Losing Myself

Trust.

We all need it, want it, crave it. Knowing you’ve established that comfort in your relationship is a huge weight off of your shoulders. But what do you do when the trust is nonexistent? How do you cope? He answered that question simply by controlling my every move. I walked, talked, smiled, napped, and worked with eyes behind my head. Not because I was doing something wrong, but to avoid an argument over why I swayed my hips a certain way always seemed like the best decision. I was a stiff robot in a crowd full of personalities, and only he had access to my controls. What was I supposed to do?

It was difficult trying to live a normal life when the people around me noticed something was off. The moment I stopped doing things I used to do, I had to come up with reasons that sounded believable. I was a full blown liar and I hated myself for it. The days that passed leaving my hair dry and greasy… that wasn’t the me I knew. I  was turning myself into a person that he wanted me to be, all while losing myself as a whole. My nails were bitten down to the skin, I was eating less often because of stress. All I wanted was to wake up one morning and say, I’m free. But I was too scared to make that happen. I felt like I needed his permission to leave, but deep down I knew I was stuck until he grew tired of me. Would that ever happen? Only in my dreams. 

Why didn’t he trust me? What did I do so horribly wrong that made him treat me like I needed a leash? He would only let it go so far, and the moment I pushed his limits I would be snapped back. The sad part is everyone knew it was happening. I was embarrassed to go to school. He waited at the end of the hall for me like he was my security guard. But he felt pleasure knowing people recognized his behavior. As I said earlier, my friends took a step back because they didn’t know what to do or how to handle what they saw. I know they expected me to put an end to it. But I didn’t have the strength because he constantly ripped it away from me. I couldn’t ever be myself again. I was who he wanted me to be… only that made him happy. 

I thought maybe this was just a phase. I almost wished I could rewind time to watch where it all crashed down. I needed a reminder of what led up to my life turning out this way. But I was way in over my head. Day by day it became harder to survive the long hours of making sure I did everything by the books. If a chapter was misplaced, it never ended well. That was always what I feared the most. 

Where would this chapter end… WHEN would it end? Does it get any easier? Was I ever able to enjoy the fresh air filling my body? 

Only time would tell. 

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3 thoughts on “Losing Myself”

  1. Your words sent chills through my body. Your writing is impeccable , and I know that your expience will help someone ! Amazing how we can see things from the outside but truly never knowing how someone sees/feels that is going through it . I am so proud of you ! ❤️

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