Step by Step

Every morning I woke up saying, enough is enough. But who was I kidding? I knew my day would turn out to be just like yesterday, and the day before that. I was officially turning into a person who made her decisions based off of how he would feel. Whether we were in the same room or not, his presence was there. “Hey Court!” Hold on, let me look around and make sure it’s okay to say hi back to my guy friend (which I wasn’t allowed to have). But I didn’t have the voice I wanted to have. I started greeting people with a smile… and even that was something I second guessed every day of my life. 

Behind closed doors was when his personality switched up on me. There was never a minute that passed by without hearing from him. If I didn’t have my phone glued to the palm of my hand there were consequences, threats that I thought he wouldn’t back up. I always told him to give me at least ten minutes to eat dinner with my family. But even then I felt an argument brewing. You know the usual rule, no phones at the dinner table? My only option was to ignore my mother’s wishes. I kept my phone tucked under my leg, and with one finger I would slowly type back using my other hand to eat my food. Yup, you guessed it! If I didn’t respond in a timely fashion it was because I actually lied about where I was and in fact was not eating dinner at all. Nothing was ever easy for me. 

There was one incident (out of many) that really opened my eyes to what was going on in my relationship. I walked into work excited to see what sales I could bring to the table. It was a slow night, a weekday that usually meant the mall would be empty. Whether I had a customer or not I always kept myself busy. I kept my phone tucked behind the keyboard to check it when my manager wasn’t around. I saw that I had a bunch of missed texts, so I glanced as quickly as I could to see how much trouble I was in. 

“I know you’re talking to someone.”

“Is he there right now?”

“We’re done. I’m not going to be with a cheater.”

“Have fun with whoever is at your job right now.”

It went on and on and on. Once I finally had the opportunity to text him back, he flipped out. He didn’t believe that I was at work. He would call my job and if I didn’t get to the phone fast enough, he would hang up at the sound of my coworkers voice. He sent me one last text telling me to take a picture of myself in front of a specific object at my store. There was no way for me to have planned this out before hand (which is what he thought I was doing). One picture, in which he specifically asked me to create, was me holding the stapler with my left hand, and another picture showed me pointing at the computer screen proving the date and time of that very moment. I couldn’t forget to point, though, because then I was lying. Pathetic, right?

All of this happened with another set of eyes watching me. I was embarrassed of myself. I couldn’t even begin to explain why I was letting this happen. At this point I started to feel like it was normal. When I was getting looks from people I was actually confused as to why everyone else wasn’t doing what I did. I truly started to believe that I followed his orders because that’s what a loyal girlfriend did. But why wasn’t anyone else tagging along on this new trend?

This trend, as I called it, was nothing even remotely close to normal. But it was hard for me to see it as I went through it. I honestly didn’t know what it would take to help me break free. When was I going to draw the line and throw in the towel? I had the patience of a snail. My shell, however, wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. Each day I woke up to was a blessing,  but I already knew what was in store for me. Don’t forget to text him during your morning routine… he wants to know every step you take. 

And I mean, every step. 

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6 thoughts on “Step by Step”

  1. Wow the way you write sounds like a lifetime movie but I admire your strength to write About what happened I in the other hand have kind of blocked out a lot of the things I went thru bc it’s hard to control my emotions remembering those things

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    1. Thank you so much! If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. It’s much easier talking to someone who has either struggled or been through something similar. I promise once you’re ready to let go, you’ll feel so much better.

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    1. I thought I was being tough too.. but it got to a point when he did everything he could to bring me back down to his level. No one should be treated like they need to check in every second of the day! And if they don’t, they shouldn’t have to feel guilty for it. Stay strong. I’m here if you need to vent!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Courtney. This post was absolutely incredible and moving. This had to take a lot of strength to write, and I really admire that. Amazing post and I’m so happy that I came across it and gave it a read ❤

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    1. Thank you, means a lot! My entire blog is written with honesty and strength. I’ve given up a lot of secrets that I never thought would be set free. And this is exactly why I do it. Love feedback like this ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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