“Why haven’t you left him, yet?”
“What’s stopping you from walking away?”
“How far does it have to go for you to feel like you’ve had enough?”
There wasn’t a day that went by without being bombarded by those just looking for information. So many people wanted to know the secrets of our relationship. But when they were handed exactly what they asked for, they hit a dead end. Instead, they (my friends) used it against me to end everything we once had before I was trapped. It was like they were afraid of him more than I was. When we were seen together, a long pathway cleared to let us pass. Nobody wanted to exchange words with him, so it easily became that way for me as well.
Trying to understand our relationship was like reading a manual in a different language. There were so many rules and regulations to follow. I lived my life on the very tips of my toes for one reason only: to be prepared. I had to learn his ways and be ready for the next scene. I eventually became so aware that I was always one step ahead of him. But I didn’t have the power to stop him in his tracks before he made his next move. That was something he proudly held above my head. All he needed was confirmation that I’d be there the next day, and the day after that. He tucked me under his wing for safety… little did he know that he was the one I needed to be saved from.
I was turning into a person I wanted no part of. I started lying to avoid arguments and blowouts. My phone was kept on silent each minute we spent together because he couldn’t stand the thought of someone reaching out to me. It was never something that was worth hiding, that wasn’t me. But each time I ignored text messages from my mother was another reason to stay away from home. That was an argument waiting to escape from our mouths. If I wasn’t home, though, I was with him. Just when I thought I didn’t have any fight left in me, it would start again. Every notification was treated like I was doing something behind his back. It was a never ending nightmare… there was nothing I could do or say to make him believe me. I was wrong and always would be. It was his way or the highway.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
So how far would I be testing my limits? Each time I felt ready to better myself I was reminded why I didn’t deserve that. Over time, I just believed him. He was so convincing in telling me why I shouldn’t be with anyone else. I didn’t dare look, either. It was just him and I… I made sure my eyes didn’t look elsewhere. For months in and years out I settled with what I had. When I think about it now, I really can’t give you a straight reason to explain why I put up with it for so long. I just did. It was less complicated that way, even though the voice inside me screamed otherwise.
The bruises became harder to hide. The look of desperation to wake up in a new life took over me. Each time I looked up to the sky searching for answers they went unnoticed. I had one life to live and this was far from it.
Has your patience run out yet?