Never Prepared

“Why haven’t you left him, yet?”

“What’s stopping you from walking away?”

“How far does it have to go for you to feel like you’ve had enough?”

There wasn’t a day that went by without being bombarded by those just looking for information. So many people wanted to know the secrets of our relationship. But when they were handed exactly what they asked for, they hit a dead end. Instead, they (my friends) used it against me to end everything we once had before I was trapped. It was like they were afraid of him more than I was. When we were seen together, a long pathway cleared to let us pass. Nobody wanted to exchange words with him, so it easily became that way for me as well. 

Trying to understand our relationship was like reading a manual in a different language. There were so many rules and regulations to follow. I lived my life on the very tips of my toes for one reason only: to be prepared. I had to learn his ways and be ready for the next scene. I eventually became so aware that I was always one step ahead of him. But I didn’t have the power to stop him in his tracks before he made his next move. That was something he proudly held above my head. All he needed was confirmation that I’d be there the next day, and the day after that. He tucked me under his wing for safety… little did he know that he was the one I needed to be saved from. 

I was turning into a person I wanted no part of. I started lying to avoid arguments and blowouts. My phone was kept on silent each minute we spent together because he couldn’t stand the thought of someone reaching out to me. It was never something that was worth hiding, that wasn’t me. But each time I ignored text messages from my mother was another reason to stay away from home. That was an argument waiting to escape from our mouths. If I wasn’t home, though, I was with him. Just when I thought I didn’t have any fight left in me, it would start again. Every notification was treated like I was doing something behind his back. It was a never ending nightmare… there was nothing I could do or say to make him believe me. I was wrong and always would be. It was his way or the highway. 

Nothing more. Nothing less. 

So how far would I be testing my limits? Each time I felt ready to better myself I was reminded why I didn’t deserve that. Over time, I just believed him. He was so convincing in telling me why I shouldn’t be with anyone else. I didn’t dare look, either. It was just him and I… I made sure my eyes didn’t look elsewhere. For months in and years out I settled with what I had. When I think about it now, I really can’t give you a straight reason to explain why I put up with it for so long. I just did. It was less complicated that way, even though the voice inside me screamed otherwise. 

The bruises became harder to hide. The look of desperation to wake up in a new life took over me. Each time I looked up to the sky searching for answers they went unnoticed. I had one life to live and this was far from it. 

Has your patience run out yet?

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33 thoughts on “Never Prepared”

  1. This is a very hurtful experience, and I’m currently experiencing this. Truly understand how you feel, dealing with someone insecure is testing our own patience. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. No two experiences are same, but ours are similar. I understand some of what you’ve felt and I’m glad to be out of it now. Good for you that you’ve done it too. Your writing is beautiful and soulful. Write your pain away. Lock it up in words and throw the key away. You’re your own beautiful. You’re your own champion. πŸ™‚

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    1. I’m so happy you were able to move on and get away from the negativity. Thank you so much for the kind words, they mean a lot. I will continue to write in hopes I can touch and connect with more people like I have with you!

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  3. I think the heart makes things so cloudy for us. My husband is not a very patient person and we’ve had a lot of falling outs and disagreements in our only 4-yr marriage. I’ve considered going to see a therapist to learn whether what we go through is normal. I’m so sorry for the pain you went through.

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  4. It’s sad that some people don’t know how much it means to have any type of real support when you are going through something like that. I have never experienced this but I have witnessed similar situations and it’s necessary to be there for those that are going through it. As always continue to do what you are doing, it’s amazing!

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    1. I don’t think people are aware of how often things like this happen! When you don’t have the support it just makes it easy to continue to let it happen. I have learned so much since then so I hope others will feel comfortable in seeking support from me. Thank you so much ❀️

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  5. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, Unfiltered Mama. No one should ever be treated like you were. I am reminded by one of my favorite quotes from Jefferson Bethke, a renowned author, and a Youtube sensation, “People are neighbors to be loved, not commodities to be used.” I hope that either your significant other repents (meaning treats you differently) or else you can get away from him. You are brave to share your story with us. Kudos to you for wanting your story to help others in the same or similar situation as you.

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  6. It was so inspiring reading about your bravery. Thank you so much for sharing. Hopefully it will serve as an inspiration to others in similar situations

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  7. You are so brave to write all of this down! Every line I read I felt inside of me, I felt all the emotions. I grew up in a house with domestic abuse and still to this day my Mom always tells me it was the emotional abuse that hurt the most. You’re writing is beautiful, I’m not sure how the story ends but I hope you’re happy πŸ’˜

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    1. Thank you so much! Your comment means a lot. I think domestic and emotional abuse as much hurtful as the other! It’s something nobody should go through. My story will only continue, so you will find out 😊

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  8. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this 😦 This was beautifully written and so heartbreaking. I loved your honesty and your bravery for putting this out there and hopefully helping and encouraging others who are in this exact same situation. Keep writing, you have such talent ❀

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    1. Thank you, Emily! All of my writing has been raw and honest for the exact reason of trying to reach the right audience. My goal is to encourage others to understand that this type of relationship is not okay. My writing will definitley continue. This is only the beginning!

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  9. This really was a hard read. I haven’t been in your situation and don’t wish anyone else to be, but knowing that there are many people who are suffering in silent is heartbreaking! Thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out to help those who feel hopeless. Stay strong and brave.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re right, no one does, and hopefully through your writing you will reach someone who needs to hear this to help them also break free of the cycle ❀

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  10. I dealt with being in an abusive relationship , even while pregnant . It’s very hard and tough to deal with . I’m sorry you my through this. I’m happier that I’m out of that and it’s better for my daughter too. We got out and doing so much better ! I’m glad I read this and can relate to you on something so tragic .

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