My patience grew thin and my energy had vanished. I couldn’t do it anymore, I didn’t want to. All of the memories we had established were being burned and forgotten. I didn’t want anything left behind that would remind me of the pain he created. He still contacted me daily and proved that his mood swings were in full effect. One minute he was hurt yet compassionate for my feelings, and then he grew angry in my decision to walk away. I refused any personal contact with him in fear for my life. But nothing stopped him from showing up to my job or my home, in hopes that we could work things out. I knew that saying all too well. We used it for comfort each time we wanted to go our separate ways. But I wasn’t falling for it this time… there was no turning back.
The two hands that weighed down my chest were finally released after all these years. Yet, I couldn’t help but walk with eyes behind my head and talk like there was a recorder attached to me. I still felt restrained even though the strings were no longer attached. He managed to guilt me into questioning whether I even made the right decision. Could I really live without him? Would I wake up tomorrow and still feel like I don’t need his instructions to start my day? I honestly didn’t know what would be best for me. I wasn’t sure if I would be capable of living a day without him telling me what to do. I was a child being tossed into the real world, not knowing what to expect or how to handle it. This was all new to me. All I had to do was grasp it and stop doubting myself. There was no room for that anymore.
His mother reached out to me when she noticed I stopped coming over. Her words inspired me to move on and do better, to BE better… because that’s what I deserved. She apologized for all that I had been through and for not being the support system that I needed. I looked up to her for having the strength to acknowledge that the relationship with her son wasn’t always peaches and cream. I couldn’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled without stressing that I was revealing the truth. The facts were out, and for once, I was okay with that.
My intentions in opening up about a partnership that went sour are far from what you believe. There are so many couples who are dealing with the same situation, right now. I truly wish that my words are able to push them toward the light. While abuse is not always physical, it often leads to just that. But sometimes the wounds of emotional abuse are deeper than what you’d expect. The lack of power over your own body and decisions is enough to feel worthless. No one deserves to be handled or convinced that they are worth nothing more than the dirt on the ground. It wasn’t a simple task that could be done over night. It took a lot of effort to see something other than how he saw it, and how he wanted me to see it. I finally had my own voice… my own life. I’d be damned if I let this happen to me again.
My life had made a complete turn around. The fresh air traveled through my body and did away with all weaknesses. I had refused any and all commitments thrown my way. I needed time for myself, to learn who I really was without the leash restraining me from taking my first step. But I couldn’t stop myself from falling head over heels for someone… a man who had walked into my life at the most perfect time. I kept reminding myself that I needed a break from the disasters unfolding right in front of me. But the temptation was too hard to resist.
I fell in love, almost immediately, after saving myself from a time that took over my whole being. But a new chapter had been made, waiting to be read.
Where was my life headed now?