The breeze traveled through our fingertips as we intertwined our touch. I couldn’t help but fall for his gaze every time his eyes met with mine. We walked along the side of the waterfront, one that I had never been to before. As we passed by crowds of strangers, I imagined that we were the only ones there. Time seemed to have stopped for a moment… a moment that I prayed would never end.
He hopped up on a ledge near the calming water. When he lifted me into his arms, I felt like I was the only person that mattered to him. We sat and let our feet dangle beneath us, as I worried that my flip flops would fall below. But he grabbed that thought away and threw it to the birds. His gentle eyes managed to control mine, once again, and drew me closer within each passing second. When our lips connected, a fresh piece of paper was displayed. I was willing to let him write my story. The fear of allowing my past to ruin what was next to come would be no more. But who was I kidding? I wasn’t nearly as ordinary as I made myself to be.
The status of my mental health was unknown. I was well aware of it but I felt as if I was lying about who I really was. The anxiety and depression surfaced along side of me with no intentions of vacating. I was taking care of a persona that only I could handle. But even then, I found it grueling when in search for that strength. At times, I crumbled. When our plans for the night ended, I put myself in a dark place. I questioned every second we spent together. Did I do everything the way he wanted me to? Take more steps than I was asked? These thoughts continued to inch their way into my life even when I thought I had pushed them far away. The confidence I had built was steadily deteriorating. I didn’t want him to see me this way. The real me was not one to be badgered with. What would he think if he met me again, instead… I wasn’t who he thought I was?
I’d lose him forever.
I needed a rewind button now more than ever before. A fresh start. If I clicked my heels together, would tomorrow be a better day? Would I wake up and not feel apprehensive about making a decision? I needed to feel secure so that my story would not be compromised. But my anxieties often swept me off of my feet. Once I was already on my knees, the weight of the world kept me down there. It was happening, again. I had to make it stop before it was too late.
Would my transparent skin make it obvious that something was wrong with me? I couldn’t lie, not even to myself. He deserved a h e a l t h y partner, and I was willing to do anything to give that to him.
But stay clear of the ledge, I wasn’t all that steady.