I will never love again, I told myself. I didn’t have room in my heart for someone else. I was supposed to be focusing on my own well-being. But the anxiety of being alone forever was a thought that explosively picked at my brain. We were meant to cross each others paths… well, that’s what I wanted to believe. He was the cure, the medication I needed to keep my mental health above water. He was everything I needed, and more, without even realizing it.
In order for us to work I had to break open my shell that I thought would never open again. I pulled back one layer at a time, revealing a coating of skin that wanted to remain untouched. But each encounter we had became an uncontrollable addiction. I forgot about the times I’ve been hurt and taken advantage of. I saw the hint of light behind the curtain and allowed it to shed its warmth on my skin. This wasn’t like me… I wasn’t always so accepting. But the thought of trusting again was alarming. Was I really supposed to believe that he would never hurt me like the others have? This path that I so willingly chose, would it eventually turn into a dead end? Only time would tell, but letting that time pass was something I suspected to let me down fairly quickly.
Anxiety at its finest.
L o v e. A short yet powerful word. I doubted my ability in letting that word slide off of my tastebuds. But I was hungry for it. As the layers slowly fell to the floor I became more open to the opportunity. I knew that if I had looked back even once, everything would come crashing down. My eyes were out of control. They wanted so bad to look the other way and run for safety. Just look forward. Look at what you have… it’s right infront of you! It was so typical of me to let these anxieties gain authority. Turn left, they’re waiting. Turn right, and they are a l w a y s right.
I was falling deeper for this person who gave up everything to make me feel special. He opened my door each time we approached my car, and closed it behind me once I was settled in. Something as little as this gesture took me such a long way. The sparkle in his eyes shined brighter than the moon hovering over us. His touch made the hairs on the back of my neck stand while the goosebumps traveled down my body. I was falling in… I was falling.
Catch me… or don’t.
I pulled up to his house and watched him walk around to my side. He signaled for me to come out and took hold of my hand to help me. As I rested my head against his chest, I felt an abundance of emotion streaming from his body. I looked into his eyes and felt no distractions. “What’s wrong, babe? Why are you upset?” I needed to know, I had to fix this.
“I… I love you, Courtney. I’m in love with you.”
And there went another layer, anxiously falling to the cold, wet street.