Was I ready to love again? Should I be letting my guard down so easily? I couldn’t contain my emotions any longer. The tears on my cheeks went unnoticed because of the rain falling from the darkness above. His body enfolded into mine leaving no crevasses or room to breath. In that moment, all we had were each other. He gave me the key to a vault that no one ever had access to. Only I knew of the past that shaped him into the man whom stood before me. I saw the hurt in his eyes, I felt his desire to start a new journey. We were no longer strangers tiptoeing around the obvious. This was happiness… this was what both of us hungered for.
I told myself to run far away, but this time I wanted him to come with me. Hand in hand we would hurry toward the sun set and overlook those who tried to bring us down. I tried tuning out the bubble of negativity waiting to suck us in… but then the anxiety would strike. The support system I once had kept whispering ideas in my ear. “You’re moving on too fast. You JUST got out of a relationship. Take some time to heal.” But they were blind to what, to who was healing me. He was all I needed to force the numbness away. I was finally able to see clearly and realize I deserved better than the cards previously dealt to me. I was in possession of a better hand and became a winner. He was the band aid to my wounds, the roof over my head.
He was my remedy.
Although I had a hard time adding trust into the mix, my heart knew it was in gentle hands. A part of me couldn’t let go of the past that I was once so used to… the guilt, the bruises, the agony of making it into the next day. While I knew this was wrong on so many levels, it was a life that I chose to live. I became accustomed to what is known as a b u s e. The ONLY thing I have since then carried with me is the anxiety. I fear the unknown. I question if I’m headed down an identical road and setting myself up for disaster. This is an illness that I can’t just shake off and prepare for as a new day rolls around. The extremity of it varies and often hits me all at once. But finding love has moved me in ways I didn’t think would ever happen again. The anxiety is most definitely still there, but I have learned to take control of what used to control me.
I am living proof that you can still be happy even when you don’t exactly have your mental health regulated. There is contentment out there for everyone, and it just so happens that mine showed up when I was in desperate need of it. As the weeks went by, months, I knew I couldn’t have been more fortunate for the life I was given.
That key opened up a whole new world for me, one that I wouldn’t change… not even a little bit. There have been ups, there have been downs. But I will end by saying –
The story continues.