Having an anxious mind means the voice in my head never takes a breather. There is no off switch, there is no ignoring what I don’t want to hear. I kept trying to convince myself that what my body was going through was a normal stage of pregnancy. But the more I tried to put off the pain, the longer the minutes took to pass the hour. I had to keep my composure when a customer approached my kiosk because even through the torment, the sales were still imperative. The act I used was one I kept handy, but this time the tears broke through. I ran to the bathroom when the mall traffic was at its slowest, hoping that my worries would catch a break. But with each lock of the stall door, the persuasion rapidly settled in and there was nothing more I needed to see.
I scrolled through the contact list in my phone to see who I could find comfort in. My boyfriend was already aware of what was going on, but truly believed it was one of many scares a pregnancy would bring. The stabbing pain in my abdomen told me otherwise. Every time I thought about the root of my discomfort, tears streamed down my rosy cheeks and formed a puddle against the glass I rested on. I knew what all of this meant. I knew this was the start but also the end of a very short pregnancy. I cried out and prayed for a miracle to strike. But the aches persisted and my tears were endless.
Bring me back to a week ago when the word rested on the tips of my fingers… pregnant. Who would have known that this is where, and how, it would all end? But why, why me?
The situation became urgent when I couldn’t steer the hunch that took over my body. I had planned to attend my afternoon class after my shift ended, but it seemed unachievable to focus through the condition I was in. My boyfriend welcomed me with compassion, and off to the hospital we went.
After describing my symptoms, the look on my doctors face told a story. When he ended our conversation with a smile, I told myself it was his job to make me feel like our visit was useless. I played back the messages I had received earlier to subside the overflowing emotions in the room. “Bleeding can be normal in pregnancy.” “Your body is going through all types of changes. You don’t have to worry.” “I bled during my entire first trimester.” I re-read these messages in hopes that my heart would beat with warmth again. But that little voice in my head, that anxious voice whom always told the truth, prepared me for the worst… and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.
When my doctor put in the order for an ultrasound, I felt a slither of hope that I had been waiting for. I closed my eyes and pictured the little seed on the screen before me. It’s heartbeat was fast and strong as can be. Again, I prayed that my body was just transitioning into a phase that would end the unusual spotting and overpowering pain. I had felt so lucky to place my hand on my belly for the last six weeks. It still had yet to grow, but the connection was there since the beginning.
In just a blink of an eye, motherhood had appeared and then ran away. It just wasn’t our time…
… but our time w i l l come.