To be settled back home was exactly what I needed to start feeling excited about this pregnancy. My family stood behind us with every step, even those that stopped us in our tracks on a stormy day. We turned a basement into our home without a plan of how long we’d be there. It was cozy… for the two of us. But the worry of not providing enough for our child was always a hiccup I couldn’t get rid of. The four walls that closed in on our belongings was once a room that wished for attention. Within a day we rearranged the furniture and crowded the space with permanence… because we had no where else to go, no other place to see.
My father had a job lined up for my boyfriend the day after we moved in. I started sending out applications to places I never thought twice about. Humiliation overwhelmed my body as if I were begging for a job. I didn’t want someone to hire me just because they felt bad for the circumstances I had fallen under. But I knew that most saw right through me, through my tired eyes and growing belly. It took months to adjust to my new life, one that rapidly unfolded before my eyes. I was pregnant with no job, little money. After I received my Associate’s Degree, I discontinued my education and proceeded in my search for work. I could barely handle the change despite how much I wanted it. The mix of emotions bewildered me entirely… it was all coming on too strong.
The fact that I was pregnant wasn’t what had me so worked up. I was well overjoyed with love and found a way to connect with my child no matter the situation. Placing my hand on my belly made me feel like my baby was reaching out for me too. Regardless of how unprepared we were to start a family, I was so prepared to take on the role as a mother. I understood why the heads around me neared the floor, but I refused to give attention to the thought that my child entered my life at the wrong time. No… we weren’t rich, and maybe our savings account was negative at one point. But we were rich with love and more than ready to share that love with someone whom we made.
A place of interest had finally returned my call. I was sent to a region of question… was I required to mention my pregnancy upfront? I didn’t want to lie, but I also wanted the position. I carefully selected a wardrobe that covered my misshaped bump, and hoped that the nausea didn’t completely sway over my face. The exhaustion that prowled around my body made me regret leaving the house in the first place… but I was set on becoming a role model. I wanted my child to be proud of my journey from start to finish. In any event, I pushed through and came out on top. When my anxieties knocked me down, I found a reason to overlook the want to reshape who I turned out to be. My child will see that… he/she will just know.
When I was asked to accept the position, my heart sank. I was dishonest about how long I desired to work as an assistant teacher. While the employment was one my degree compared to, the pregnancy would eventually come to term… and one child would specifically call for my attention. Deciding to play it by ear was something I would’ve never done previous to becoming pregnant. But my goal was to welcome my child into a financially stable home, full of warmth and acceptance.
It was only a matter of time before my belly filled the apron… a matter of time before my anxieties possessed over me as they always knew how.
Cheers to a new passage… a road I’ll go down with no impulse to look behind me.